So here's my somewhat testimony.
God will never allow you to be tested more than you can handle. Sometimes it feels like God comes pretty close to that line though.
The summer I turned 10 years old my family moved from California to Arkansas. This was my first time moving and it was a huge culture shock. I left behind a lot of friends and family. Most importantly, my dad did not move back with us. My parents are not divorced. My parents though it would be best for him to stay while he had a secure job until he could find one in Arkansas. He moved in with my grandparents and we moved several states away. He would come visit us often and the first few years we would try to travel out to California. Times of visits became less often and it wasn't uncommon to go almost a full year without seeing him. Money is tight and it's not a cheap way home.
During this time my grandma, my mom's mom, began having serious health issues. It was not weird for me to leave school with a friend or be left at home for hours because all of the adults had to rush to the hospital with her. She would go and stay for months at a time and I became numb to it. I got used to not living in a normal life. Everyday I was sure my grandma would die. Through a very long process, her health slowly got better. Still having many complications, she has fewer trips to the hospital with serious threats.
About this time I was in 8th grade. The early spring of that year brought even more problems. My mom began having pains in her side. This went on for a few weeks and my great aunt finally made her go to the hospital on a tuesday night. Myself and my two younger sisters were left at home late that night wondering what was happening. We packed bags and just sat waiting. Just before midnight, my uncle came to take us to our grandparents so we could sleep before school. The whole day at school we heard nothing. At the end of the day my grandma picked us up and took us for ice cream. We went straight to the hospital. We parked at the hospital and she told us what was going on. The night before my mom was taken into surgery and had a giant tumor taken out. Tests came back and it was positive for stage 4 colon cancer that was very quickly spreading throughout her body.
The long process started with chemotherapy. This was the fourth time my mom had cancer. All during this time my dad was in California. He came as much as he could. My mom had to have surgery to put a port into her body so that the treatment would get to her body. After two different tried, the treatment could finally be started. It was a very stressful time. People would ask us how she was. At age 13 I had to know how to talk to people about it and not breakdown. They just wanted an update. I got used to the fact that my mom had cancer; a disease that seems like she can never get rid of. My mom won her battle again.
My grandma's health started acting up again and she went to the Mayo clinic in Minnesota. While there she discovered that she had a form of breast cancer. After some treatments, my grandma's health was manageable again.
Just over a year ago, my dad's mom had a stroke. She was in the hospital for only a short time before she died. I didn't go to California to see her before and didn't get to go to the funeral. It had been just under 4 years since I had last seen her. A few month later, her husband, my grandpa died. Again, I hadn't seen seen him in 4 years. His death was was more sudden. He had been in the hospital for only a few days. All of this happened in my senior year of high school.
This whole time I had to keep my grades up in school. I had to be smart. I had to get scholarships. I had to apply for college. I had to figure out what I was doing with my life. I felt like had all of these things I had to do and I couldn't take time for myself. I was the older sister and when my mom couldn't be strong, I had to be so my sisters could see that it would be okay. I had to be strong and not let my emotions out because once they started coming I wouldn't be able to control them. No one told me that I needed to be that way but it was easier for me to be like that. I was so emotionally unstable. I cried myself to sleep every night for months because I felt like everything around me was falling down and I couldn't do anything. If I was supposed to be that strong person I couldn't show that I was having a hard time getting through things.
Now I know that God was testing me. Even though I felt completely alone God was with me the whole time. I am still going through so much right now that I can't even imagine how I am making it. I have learned to rely fully on God and that it's okay if I don't have it all together.
I'm not saying that my life is all better. Just because I realized that I need to rely on God more doesn't make everything that is attacking me right now is any easier. Still 9 years later, I barely see my dad since he is still in California. One set of my grandparent have died and I never got to say goodbye. My grandma in Arkansas still goes to doctor's appointments weekly. My mom has regular check ups. I made it to college by the grace of God providing starting funds (at the very last second). I am still lacking but believing He will finish what He has started. I have no idea what I am doing in life. I don't have anything together, I'm a complete mess. I know that everything I have gone through God will use for His glory. I feel like I can handle whatever God throws my way. I know that it's okay to breakdown and show others that I need help because I can't make it through alone. I've tried. My relationship grows stronger and stronger with each day and with each thing that God chooses to let interfere with me life.
So yeah I've had a pretty hard life. This is only cracking the surface. I'm not here to say, 'Hey my life is really hard pity me. Take it easy on me. Your life isn't as hard as mine.' I don't know what you can handle. Maybe I can handle a lot more than you, and maybe I can't. The point is that I know God has given me what I can handle. He might be giving me more to show me how strong I actually am. God won't give me more than I can handle and He will always be there helping me along the way.
